27th February is a day I'll never able to properly erase.
I look back and wonder how things could have been. Would it have ended the same way? Was it better how things ended? Those pointless questions you can't help but think about. It makes me feel so vulnerable! I cannot help but feel helpless and overwhelmed with every encounter, even as minor as a little glance at his face or a post on Facebook, where I begin to fall into my "hole" and spiral down a path of depression. That vicious cycle where one thought leads to another and eventually builds up to the point where I can longer emotionally grasp the situation, and all hell breaks loose. Every re-occurrence feels like my soul is being ripped out of me, cut down the middle from head to toe, and then re-inserted just so I can experience it every time.
At every encounter, my heart starts pumping like I had just been running for the past half hour. I start breathing heavily and within seconds I become restless and have to stop what I'm doing and walk. That overwhelming feeling takes over and I can't handle it. I can't control it. Why can't I cope with even the smallest interactions?
Despite it being almost 3 months since the break up, I feel like I'm only slightly coping better emotionally. No matter who I talked to, even counselling, I feel as though I haven't really improved. Relationships come and go, it's a normal part of life. But no one can really understand how you feel unless they have gone through a similar situation. And even then, you cope differently to the same situation. Then who do you have left to talk to without feeling like you're being a burden, interrupting and wasting someone's time, or feel like you're just constantly complaining about the same thing over and over again.
Everyday is a struggle. It's constantly a fight between my emotional and mental state, physically too I suppose. I want to just disappear and be forever gone. Run away from all the troubles, be relieved from my duties, to have nothing holding me back to where everything stops. No longer broken and run down. I'd leave everything behind in an instant. I guess I should be glad that I still have things that I hold onto in my life that stops me from physical harm... I honestly don't know what the purpose is in life anymore. I guess time will heal everything.